LIGHTS OF THE OZARKS

I found this on YouTube today:

Lights of the Ozarks-2008
& Bikes Blues BBQ

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THIS AND THAT

I’m really moving slowly – started this on Sunday…
Is it Wednesday already?

SUNDAY

Temperature high for today is 65. Expected high for tomorrow is 24. What ? ? ? Freezing rain at 4:00 am. Huh ? ? ? Oh Well, how many times are the forecasts right anyway?

Of course, the people in New England are really having a bad time, according to the headlines:

  • Thousands remain without power in New England as crews struggle to repair power lines snapped by ice storm

MONDAY

It’s amazing! The weather prediction was actually correct. The wind chill today is -1 degree fahrenheit. I’m not even going to go get my junk mail and bills from the mailbox today.

MY FAMILY SHOULD HAVE BEEN AMISH

According to the headlines, the Amish have better habits and better hearts:

Most of the members of my mother’s family died from heart problems. Of course, some were in their 80s and Mom was almost 89 – others were much younger.

REGARDING “George W”

I heard him say on TV this evening that the thing he was least looking forward to when he leaves the White House was his wife’s cooking. He may have to get used to being in the “dog house,” as we say in the south.

DREW PETERSON ENGAGED ! !

According to FoxNews.com:

Are you kidding me?




THEN SINGS MY SOUL: HERE WE ARE

HERE WE ARE by Dallas Holm

Here we are in your presence
Lifting holy hands to You
Here we are praising Jesus
For the things He’s brought us through.

I don’t have the words to tell You
how I feel,
I just don’t know what I can say
I’m not worthy to speak Your Holy Name,
Yet You tell me You love me just the same.

Here we are in Your presence
Lifting holy hands to You
Here we are praising Jesus
For the things He’s brought us through.

I never thought that it could be this way,
And I never thought I’d be the one,
But You found me dying in my sin.
And You looked at me with love that took me in.

Here we are in Your presence
Lifting holy hands to You
Here we are praising Jesus
For the things He’s brought us through.

For the things He’s brought us through.

FRIDAY FUNNIES: CHRISTMAS

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies is sponsored by Homesteader’s Heart.

I think Santa Claus is a woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
– Men can’t pack a bag.
– Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
– Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
– Men don’t answer their mail.
– Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
– Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

– – – – –

Santa Claus is a Woman? (A Rebuttal)

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here’s why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to “bond” with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they’d be too busy telling her, “No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat.”

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don’t care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa’s beard? I’m sure you’ll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn’t have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte’s.
Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there’d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn’t need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say “HO HO HO”. She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa’s a guy alright!

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIORS

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIORS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know….
Is what tells each one where to go!