TOO MUCH INFORMATION

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

Advertisements

FRIDAY FUNNIES: CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies is sponsored by Homesteader’s Heart.

Subject: Life After Death

A boss asked one of his employees, “Do you believe in life after death?” “Yes, sir,” replied the new employee.

“I thought you would,” said the boss, “since after you left to go to your grandmother’s funeral yesterday, she stopped in to see you!”

Subject: Supporting a Family

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend’s father, “Son, can you support a family?”

“Well, no, sir,” he replied. “I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves.”

WHAT A DAY!

I actually wrote this a few weeks ago when our temperature
was staying in the high nineties [and feeling like 110].
Guess I was so wiped out I forgot to post it.
No, senility did not enter into it.

Well, I just returned from visiting the vampire at the hospital lab.  As usual lately, my veins didn’t cooperate.  She ended up using a nice big one on top of my hand.  What happened to all those nice bulging veins I used to have?  Nothing else about me has shrunk, why would my veins?

No food, no meds, little sleep – my day started with a loud sound coming from next door [neighbors cutting down big trees damaged by earlier ice storm], then The Kid on the phone sounding like “Little Miss Outrageously Cheerful.”  Don’t people know that I sleep LATE?

First off, I went into the Clinic, ask for a ride up to the lab and checked on my Friday appointment time.  Turns out my appointment is Thursday at 11:30 so I guess lunch with The Kid is out.

I rode up to the lab in a golf cart – nice breeze, nice driver.  Got to the lab, they couldn’t find the orders.  We waited quite awhile for the clinic to fax over the order.  They hadn’t put a diagnosis down, so waited for them to redo it and resend so Medicare would pay.

After the bloodletting was accomplished, I got a ride back to the clinic in a TAHOE – do you know how tall those things are?  Finally got my short, crippled self loaded into it.  Nice security guy was driving, 2-way radio announcing more people needed rides.

I got back to my HOT Highlander [Thank God for a good A/C], drove straight to Sonic for a Bacon, Egg, Cheese Toaster and Route 44 Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper.

Now home where the A/C is working like crazy!  Not quite as light headed and flighty now since finishing the BEC Toaster and taking meds.  Sonic DDP doesn’t hurt either.

A nap in a worn out recliner sounds really good right now.

Any questions?

THEN SINGS MY SOUL: PRAISE THE LORD

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

PRAISE THE LORD
sung by The Imperials

When you’re up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hope has been cruelly crushed
By Satan’s manifesting scheme
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don’t let the faith you’re standing in, seem to disappear

(Chorus)

Praise the Lord
He can work with those who praise Him,
Praise the Lord
For our God inhabits praise,
Praise the Lord
For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise him

Now satan is a liar
And he wants to make us think
That we are paupers
When he knows himself
We’re children of the King
So lift up the might shield of faith
For the battle has been won
We know that Jesus Christ has risen
So the work’s already done

(Repeat Chorus)

ALL I CAN SAY IS “WOW”

Florida Woman, 90, Behind the Same Wheel
559,000 Miles Later

“The last time Rachel Veitch bought a car, gas cost 39 cents per gallon, Lyndon B. Johnson was in the White House and “The Little Old Lady From Pasadena” was a hit song on the radio.

Nearly 600,000 miles later, the 90-year-old Florida woman still drives her 1964 Mercury Comet Caliente every day.”…story continued on FoxNews…

THEN SINGS MY SOUL: WATER GRAVE

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WATER GRAVE

In my house there’s been a mercy killing.
The man I used to be has been crucified.
And the death of this man was the final way of revealing,
In the spiritual way to live, I had to die.
Now if I let that dead man linger in me,
I might get a little idle in my way.
So, I’m going down to the celebration river,
And take this dead man down to a water grave.

I’m goin’ down to the river.
And I’m gonna be buried alive.
I want to show my Heavenly Father,
The man I used to be has finally died.

Now when I think of where I’m goin’,
In terms of where I’ve been,
It makes me glad to know, my Lord, that I’ve been born again.
Now when I think of where I’m goin’,
In terms of where I’ve been,
It makes me glad to know, my Lord, that I’ve been born again.

I’m goin’ down to the river,
And I’m gonna be buried alive, in Jesus Name,
I want to show my Heavenly Father,
The man I use to be has finally died.