Oatmeal – Everything You Wanted to Know about Oats

A tough, old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

via Oatmeal – Everything You Wanted to Know about Oats.

Advertisements

SHOULD I COME OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR THIS?

After rereading yesterday’s post, I realized I sounded a little bit grouchy and complaining. BUT this morning’s email has really cheered me up:

According to my email this morning, Amazon, Google and Craigslist all want to hire me. Each one of them wants to pay me $5,000 per month. Wow, that’s more than I ever made at my old jobs. I’m thinking it will take at least that much to draw me out of retirement. Hmm. Got more thinking to do.

In addition, I am a Red Lobster Giveway Recipient. So the Acai Berries that are going to help me lose 50 pounds overnight will really come in handy after I eat all the biscuits and shrimp that I can hold at Red Lobster.

I can save 60% today at problemsolvers.com – do you think they’ll take IP off my hands?

It’s going to be a good day!

REMEMBER ME?

Do you hate it as much as I do when someone from your past walks up to you and says, “Do you remember me?”

You see, one of my problems is that people still recognize me that I haven’t seen in many, many years. It’s not that I haven’t changed – there’s definitely more of me than in my younger days, my hair is a very different color now, and my face looks a year (or two) older. But my basic features are still recognizable.

Now, the last time this happened to me, I had just worked a 10 hour day, then had to stop at the grocery store and try to remember what I had stopped there for! He popped up next to me suddenly and said, “Do you remember me?” Heck, I was having trouble remembering who I was at that point.

I had not seen the guy in 25 years, he was a young punk then, younger than my baby brother – not the adult standing next to me now. I’m sure my blank stare answered the question well enough.

Tell me – why would anyone not just say “I’m Joe Blow. Do you remember me?”, or even better, “I’m Joe Blow. We went to church together at St. Paul’s.”

For goodness sake, give me a clue – or better yet, get a clue – and some manners.

Wow….I didn’t know all this about me!

What Peggy Means


You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people.

Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people’s problems.

Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.

You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.

Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don’t appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

You may miss out by not settling down, but you’re too busy having fun to care.

Cancel your credit card before you die…

I read this somewhere. [I’m retired and can’t remember s**t remembering everything is not a requirement anymore.] I thought it was quite amusing so I copied and saved it. The version I saved named an actual credit card company, so for the sake of protecting my meager retirement funds from a lawsuit for slander or some other bad thing, I renamed the company.

A lady died this past January, and Credit Card Co billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Credit Card Co.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’

Credit Card Co: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’

Credit Card Co: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Credit Card Co: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

Credit Card Co: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’

Credit Card Co: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

Credit Card Co: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

Credit Card Co: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)

Credit Card Co: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Credit Card Co: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’

Credit Card Co: ‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’ (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

Credit Card Co: ‘That might help.’

Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

Credit Card Co: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

Want a Day Off Work?

Give me a call – I can be your ..uh.. Friend!

PASCO, Wash. — What happened to faking a cough?

Sheriff’s detectives in Washington state say a man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn’t have to go to work.

When he first spoke with deputies, Daniel Kuch told them he’d been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was jogging Thursday.

But detectives told KONA radio that Kuch later acknowledged that he asked his friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid a drug test.

The friend has been arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment. Kuch is expected to be charged with false reporting.

Detectives declined to say where Kuch works, or whether he still has a job. It wasn’t known if he had obtained a lawyer. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,334254,00.html

Simply unbelievable!