TOO MUCH INFORMATION

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

A LESSON: HOW TO STOP GOSSIP

~ ~ ~
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s

morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home…and left it there all night!!!

A STORY WITH A POINT

A man driving a car was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.’ I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.’

Moral of the Story: Let Your Behavior Match Your Bumper Stickers!

THIS IS THE DIET I SHOULD GO ON

Irish Diet An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The Irishman nodded… “I’ll tell you though,   I t’aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from all the skippin”, the Irishman said.

MAKE ME LAUGH MONDAY: MEN VS. WOMEN

* *

You do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN
instead of men, don’t you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

* *

Find more to laugh about at Jenny’s Make Me Laugh Monday